POETREE

Mm. The tone does vary - 'to my hunger satiate' may have been conversational only if you're a hundred years or more ago, but "I lit a torch to see, they were truly unique and I was amazed" feels very much like present day, relaxed, almost stream of conscious -style.

It does make me wonder what rhythms, what phrasing in the original the translator was trying to capture in that 'satiate' line that she resorted to switching up where the verb fell from the more natural (in everyday English) 'to satiate my hunger' - maybe some variation on the lead-in immediately before ("more than enough to") could make 'to satiate' work naturally in the overall rhythm of the line in translation as well as the underlying expectation in English that an infinitive not be split?

I do think there are some spectacularly lovely lines in the translation that feel very conversational indeed; whether you feel the occasionally more formal phrasing used in a few places or this one more convoluted instance you pointed out outweigh those may be a matter of personal taste. Like many poems, how much you get out of it can depend in part on how willing you are go with the poet's version of what Chinese - - or in the translation, English - can be and find if that speaks to you or not. Like adjusting your ear to someone speaking in a different accent than you're used to, or a slightly different dialect.

If you're willing to bear with one split infinitive, I think this particular translation has much to offer, particularly on rereading. Come admire these new words at your feet; why constrain yourself only to how mainstream chatter flows?